


Without You

by Louffox



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec to the rescue, Angst, Boys In Love, Dreamwalking, Fluff, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus is BAMF, Mild Smut, Protective Alec, Protective Magnus, Really powerful magic, sleeping beauty style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 06:04:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11822724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louffox/pseuds/Louffox
Summary: Magnus must use the full extent of his power to seal the rift and protect Alexander, the Shadowhunters, and the world. But opening himself up like that also puts him in terrible danger- from himself. Now Alec has to be the hero, if only Magnus will let him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set before 2x20.

It all went wrong in an instant. And there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

 

They were fighting the demons. It was their job, their life, their past and present and future. But this didn’t feel like their normal fights. This wasn’t just another day in the life, clocking in to do the good work, this felt like a desperate and dark day of trying to survive. 

 

Maybe because they were not the hunters, but the hunted.

 

That was why everything felt so  _ wrong _ . They all were off. Izzy’s whip cracked with less confidence, every move a half second slow with uncertainty. Jace was too exposed, which wasn’t abnormal, but it wasn’t usually this bad. He was being a single minded witless berserker. Clary seemed to have regressed in her training, staying on the defensive, scared and dodging, not fighting but enduring. And Alec, he was distracted, worried about the others, sticking his neck out to save theirs.

 

It was a surprise when they apparently won, the street finally emptied of demons.

 

It wasn’t a surprise when they noticed Jace had disappeared as well.

 

Recon. They did far too much recon these days. Before Cl- no, he couldn’t blame this on Clary, it was Valentine, she was as much a victim of the changing times as they were, and Valentine was to blame for it all.

 

Izzy called Magnus. Alec yelled at her. Clary continued to cry and rage and yell at them all. When Magnus arrived and pulled her into his arms, petting her hair and calling her biscuit, Alec’s stomach burned and his muscles ached. It was harder to breathe around him, like the warlock had pulled the air from the room. Like he was a black hole. Like he was just sucking in the light and life and remaining as cold and unmoved as ever, draining and eternal-

 

Alec forced himself to stop. Enough lashing out, enough heartache, enough tension. Push it down. Put it away. Get back up. There was work to be done.

 

_ Magnus was not the black hole, it was him, his insecurities and indecision and greed and he wanted to both be the leader and have Magnus and how dare a mediocre shadowhunter like him hunger for all the things he didn’t deserve and now people were hurt and lines had been crossed and if only he’d stuck with his duty and accepted his place in this shithole universe they lived in then none of this- _

 

“I can’t track him, but I think we can track a demon and head to the source. No doubt Valentine will be staying there with the cup, making sure every demon coming through obeys him,” Alec said, approaching the others. 

 

“Luke’s pack has been trying to keep a cap on things. He said the worst of it is down at the southern docks,” Clary said. “Let’s go.”

 

“Iratze’s first. Weapons check next. And we make sure we’ve got support coming.” Clary opened her mouth hotly, but Alec didn’t let her cut in. “We won’t wait for them, we don’t have the time, but it’ll be good to have backup on the way.” The sourness of his stomach turned to hot anger again- Clary acted like she was the only one who cared about Jace. She just slept with him, she didn’t have an ancient ritualistic soul bond to him, she was just in love with the guy, and love was nothing but a passing ache.

 

_ Keep telling yourself that, you pathetic heartbroken sap. _

 

Luke, Simon, and Raphael met them outside the Institute, and they all portaled to where Luke indicated. This was feeling more and more like a last stand- everyone all together, headed to face the enemy head on, trying to save their pretty blonde damsel in distress-

 

He giggled.

 

Magnus cut a quick glance his way, and Alec nearly opened his mouth and shared what he was laughing about, until he remembered that they meant nothing to each other anymore.

 

It was time to fight.

 

Everything went… surprisingly well. The demons were numerous, but they fought them and won. Everyone seemed to be back on point, fighting as they should. The wolves tore through their enemies, the vampires were everywhere at once, the shadowhunters moved with decisiveness and confidence, and Magnus… it was hard for Alec to focus on the fight. Magnus dripped magic like sweat, and threw it out across the battle like a fog bank. They knew he was strong, he was the High Warlock of Brooklyn so he had to be, but… to seal the rift, he seemed to have tapped into more power than Alec had ever dreamed he could contain. Everything around him warped and twisted like he was a vapor of heat on a hot road, except these weren’t illusions, they were real. It was disturbing and awe-inspiring.

 

His eyes were bared and bright. Magic ran from his hands like an overflowing vessel. Before him, wave after wave of demons simply evaporated. He finally reached the rift and reached forward, slowly, like he was moving through molasses. He touched it.

 

The rift snapped shut.

 

Valentine roared with anger and slashed with the sword.

 

And Alec’s world vanished, replaced by raw  _ agony _ .

 

~~

 

Magnus burned.

 

He hadn’t uncorked his magic fully in a bit more than a century. He’d only done this thrice before, always in a desperate situation, always for only a few minutes at a time.

 

He held himself like a cup poured to the top edge, moving as though he would spill over any moment. Being fully opened terrified him. It was dangerous, it was a great and terrible thing. He feared himself, and feared others, and feared that the Clave or the other warlocks would realize the extent of his magic and use him as a weapon. Because he was a weapon. Because he  _ was _ magic.

 

To him, magic wasn’t a tool the way it was to other warlocks and the seelie. They used potions and pentagrams, wands and stones, incantations, in an effort to draw up the power. Magnus used these to not draw on it but to direct it. They used it as a fishing rod, he used it as a tether. Because without it, he was- well, this.

 

Once the magic was fully opened, the fear was gone. With the magic free to fill his veins and unfurl through his insides, he had nothing to fear. It only took half a thought to take care of anything and everything he wanted.

 

The magic was soft as the inside of his mother’s arms, welcoming as the crook of a warm neck, accepting and giving as the space between the fingers of an open, offered hand. It stretched like a sleepy cat, flaring light and shadow beneath and through his skin, waking and shaking itself.

 

It offered him the world, if he only would spare it the thought. His magic was a being but also himself. It was infantile in its simple and straightforward execution of his every whim, and paternal in its decisive protectiveness and ferocity. 

 

He was still Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn… but he was also the true Prince of Edom and the Seven Hells, Son of Asmodeus Son of Shamdon, Wrathful Bastard of Batavia, The Marked of Eyes, World-Rifter and Brat of Lust.

 

A bit of broken tar put pressure on the underside of his foot, and at the half conscious idea of discomfort, his magic delighted to fix it. The ground turned to glass, smooth and bright.

 

The sky was bright and Magnus squinted ahead, looking for the rift, and clouds rolled over the sun at the insistence of his magic.

 

_ Anything, everything _ , it offered. Because he was the ascended prince, angelic, cast out and hell-bound, eternally burned then broken free, forced into the womb of an unwilling woman, birthed in the beautiful and disgusting way of mortality, coiled in the body of a child until the child was gone and in it’s place was a self-realized being of royalty and intent, and the magic kneeled before him, and reality was but a thing to be crushed and molded.

 

He was divine. He was destruction. He was opened, and he sighed as his will flexed with his magic, and all of the world was awaiting his command.

 

The demons simply ceased to be at a thought. They were there, but he didn’t want them to be, so they weren’t.

 

The rift. He closed it, as easily as closing a book.

 

The artificer hollered with anger, but he was essentially a mewling infant and could do nothing at all. He bore the sword, which the prince did recognize as something to respect, a being that was an equal.

 

The sword came down on one of the mortals. A shadowhunter. Jace. The blow was minor, but to his breakable body, it would be severe.

 

The shock rebounded across a bridge, and at the other end of the bridge-

 

Alexander Lightwood fell like a building fire, a puppet with his strings cut. Magnus was at his side, because his magic obeyed his every thought before he even fully formed the thought, and he was on his knees, putting his hand to the mort- to Alexander’s throat. This was someone important. To the prince he was nothing, but Magnus was screaming, rejecting this, raging against this reality,  _ no, no, no no no no no _

 

_ I can’t- _

 

~~

 

When Alec woke, it took him a while to figure out he was awake. Then it took a while to sort through the pains and aches to remember how to open his eyes, how to open his mouth, how to move and talk and blink.

 

“Hey,” Jace said, leaning forward and grinning. He was sitting beside him. Alec looked around- he was in the infirmary. Izzy was asleep in a chair on his other side, and Clary was in a chair pulled right up to Jace’s, also asleep, half sideways in her chair with her head on Jace’s shoulder. She slowly woke and smiled at Alec. He surprised himself by smiling back.

 

“What happened? The battle?” Alec asked, wincing. Jace passed him a cup of water, and he shakily took a few sips.

 

“We won. You guys were fighting the forsaken and the Circle members, the vamps and wolves kept the demons contained, Magnus- uh, he sealed the rift, and-,”

 

“Valentine hit you,” Alec realized, eyes widening. He tried to sit up more and flinched hard, curling up as his side burned with pain.

 

“Yeah. And that explains that, too. He hit me with the mortal sword, and you collapsed, and apparently I literally  _ died _ , but… The mortal sword is forged by angels. It’s not really steel and gold and stuff, it’s literally made of angelic power, but shaped like a sword. And I’ve got angel blood, so apparently one cancels the other out, and I’m okay. I guess. It took a second for my angel powers to react to the sword, though, so… because I technically died, it all went through our parabatai bond. Clary used a rune, the sword, and my angelic power to do something-,”

 

“I pretty much recreated what saved Jace, and pushed it through the bond. You don’t have the angel power that Jace does, but because you’ve got the bond, I could get the reaction going in Jace and then just use the bond to send it to you,” Clary explained. It still didn’t quite make sense, but Alec didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. He was alive. “We captured the sword- when Valentine thought Jace was dead, he turned his back for a minute, and Jace tackled him and got the sword away from him. The Clave came and took Valentine immediately.”

 

“Did anyone else-?’

 

“No. The wolf pack took a lot of injuries, and the vamps had one death, but it was actually a really decisive battle. Mostly because Magnus was unstoppable, I don’t know what he did, but it was like… like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” Jace said. Clary elbowed him. “Uh. And…. about Magnus…”

 

“Is he around?” Maybe it was the half dozen healing runes he had going all at once, or the heady joy of winning a battle, or maybe he was concussed, but he didn’t give a damn about his insecurities or shadowhunter duties or their massive differences. Everyone had just kicked ass in a battle and taken out their enemy and gotten the Mortal Sword back, and he wanted to kiss his boyfriend. Or- hopefully they could still be boyfriends. Maybe now that they didn’t have split obligations-

 

“Um… yeah. He’s over there,” Clary said slowly, pointing. Alec sat up, this time pushing through the pain, and looked over.

 

Oh.

 

Magnus was in a bed. But not like he’d been waiting for Alec to wake and had decided to take a catnap. He was flat on his back, pillow under his head, arms straight at his sides on top of the blankets. His face was ashen and the skin around his eyes was red and painful looking. His lips were chapped and his chest was barely moving.

 

“What happened to him?” Alec breathed, unable to look away. He looked… not real. Like a wax sculpture. 

 

“We… don’t know,” Jace said slowly. “He collapsed right after you did. We think that doing that much magic drained him or something. He did… a lot. A lot of really impossible shit. It was kind of freaky.”

 

“When Jace collapsed, you did, and then Magnus just sort of- teleported? He was right there at your side, and he reached down and put a hand on you, and then he just like… he laid down. He didn’t fall, he just slowly sat and then laid down and closed his eyes and he’s been like this ever since,” Clary explained, shaking her head slowly.

 

“How long have we been out?”

 

“A day and a half.”

 

Alec threw back the sheet and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, gritting his teeth as his body burned with every motion. He felt sore, like he’d been on bed rest for three weeks then had done a triathalon and followed it up with a thousand push-ups and a thousand sit-ups. His side, where his parabatai rune was, radiated with stabbing pains.

 

“Alec-,” Jace protested, jumping up.   
  


“You need rest, you died two days ago!”

 

“I need to get up and stretch a little, and I need to see Magnus,” Alec told them. “And you died too,” he said pointedly to Jace.

 

Bound as they were, Jace seemed to recognize that fighting him wouldn’t get them anywhere, so he helped Alec stand. Clary went over and gently woke Izzy up, who beamed at the sight of Alec slowly limping over to Magnus’s bed.

 

Up close, he looked surprisingly okay. Aside from the scorched looking skin around his eyes and lack of motion, he didn’t look ill or wounded. It was just so unsettling to see him like this, laid out like a posed doll, still and lifeless.

 

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with him, and vice versa,” Isabelle pointed out.

 

“I don’t care. I love him,” Alec said to the room, thrilling that he could just say that.  _ I love him _ . He did, more than anything. The days before the battle had been agony, ten thousand times worse than the physical pain he felt now. To see Magnus look at him without even seeing him, and to have to school his own face to match. It felt like the worst thing in the world.

 

“So what do we do? What’s wrong with him?” Jace asked.

 

“I don’t know. How would I know?” Alec answered, only half paying attention. He reached down to run his fingertips over the edge of his jaw.

 

“I don’t know. I just thought you knew more about warlocks and their powers and stuff. I thought this was like, warlock biology.”

 

“Do warlocks have different biology?” Clary asked curiously.

 

“Oh my god. No, they don’t,” Alec said, rolling his eyes but still mostly focused on drinking in Magnus’s face with his eyes and fingertips. It was a gift just to be able to look at him without restraint. Even asleep, he was beautiful, but Alec longed for him to sit up and smile. “I mean- Magnus doesn’t have a belly button, but that’s- uh..” He realized what he’d said and blushed.

 

“That’s probably the only reason he bothers to button his shirts at all, and only just a few,” Izzy laughed. Clary looked a little perplexed, and Jace looked grossed out.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe he is just really drained. Have you talked to any other warlocks?” Alec asked.

 

“No. Actually... “ Izzy trailed off, and now the three of them were looking evasive.

 

“What?” Alec asked, bracing himself.

 

“Okay, to be honest, and it was my idea but these two kind of went with it… I thought maybe either he’d wake up when you woke up, or… you would like… you know. Sleeping beauty style,” Clary explained, looking a little embarassed.

 

“Sleeping b- what?”

 

“You know. True love’s kiss. Wake him up with a kiss,” she said. “It sounds really stupid now.”

 

Alec would try anything. He ducked down, ignoring how his muscles felt like they were made of wood and might audibly creak and snap, and pressed his lips to Magnus’s. Just a quick kiss. He leaned back and waited.

 

And waited.

 

“Okay, yeah, that was stupid,” Jace said.

 

“I’ll call Dot,” Clary said.

 

“Should I try and run him an IV? It’s been a few days. We were going to IV you this morning, but you were starting to move a little, so we figured you were starting to wake up,” Isabelle said.

 

“That might be a good idea, yeah. Wouldn’t hurt to do that. He might wake up less thirsty,” Alec said, sitting on the bed beside Magnus’s and reaching for his glass of water.

 

“Want me to go get you something to eat? It’s not too late for brunch,” Jace said, knowing Alec’s absolute joy for brunch. Usually he made fun of it, but it showed how worried he’d really been that he didn’t poke fun at Alec.

 

“By the Angel, that would be amazing,” Alec groaned, stomach clenching greedily at the idea of eggs benedict and home fries.

 

“Martha’s Cafe? Your usual?”

 

“Yes and yes. Thanks,” Alec said, genuinely appreciative. Jace nodded and followed Clary out of the room- she was already on her phone, explaining the situation.

 

He watched contentedly as Izzy hooked a drip on a stand and got the IV ready to go, humming faintly as she did.

 

“I’m going to apologize to him. And ask him if he’ll take me back. I’ll beg if I have to,” Alec told her, eyes moving back to Magnus’s face.

 

“Good. I mean, I understand why you guys broke it off, but… I never really thought it was a break-up. I thought you guys were just taking a break until I saw you in the same room together and you both already had that ugh-it’s-my-ex face. But I knew you’d make it back to each other. You guys deserve to be happy, and I really think-”

 

Both Alec and Isabelle were thrown backwards. Alec went flying two beds back to skid across the floor, adding bruises and a skinned elbow to his hurts, and Isabelle slammed into the cupboards behind her. Despite his pain, he was up and scrambling to her side in an instant, every muscle tense and ready to fight.

 

Nobody was in the room. It was just Magnus and the siblings.

 

“What the hell was that?” Izzy asked.

 

“That was defensive action. Hitting you back first. You came at him with a needle, what did you expect?” Dot was coming in with Clary, likely having portaled in to have arrived so quickly.

 

“Is he awake?” Alec asked, rushing over and studying his features for signs of life.

 

“I don’t think so. Well, a little. He’s not awake, but he’s still… hmm. He’s got a hell of a lot of magic coming off him right now. This is… this is really weird. I’ve never seen something like this,” Dot mused, approaching and waving a hand over Magnus like she was touching fireflies only she could see. “You guys don’t see that?”

 

“No. And that’s not what I was hoping to hear. You don’t know what’s wrong with him?” Alec asked worriedly.

 

“I didn't say that. Give me a few minutes to check this out. Did he have any injuries? Open wounds? Head trauma, bites, stings, eat or drink anything strange?”

 

“No to all those. He came out of the battle untouched. His warlock’s ma- his eyes changed,  and he started toward the rift, and all sorts of weird things were happening. Demons in front of him were literally evaporating, and the sky got dark, and the ground turned to glass, and there was like… this weird haze. Like a heat haze. He just touched the rift and it closes. And then Jace got stabbed, and Alec collapsed, so Magnus teleported to his side and then just… laid down. On purpose. And he closed his eyes and has been like this ever since,” Izzy explained, picking up a few things that had broken in the strange explosion.

 

Dot was doing something over Magnus’s prone form, her magic a light baby blue.

 

“He- okay, go over some of that again? Because I don't know how much you know about magic, but none of what you just said is really possible. Closing the rift, sure. Fighting demons with battle magic and vaporizing them, sure. Portals. That stuff is all fine. But… you can't just do whatever you want. I don't even know what incantations and ingredients I'd need for a ground-to-glass alchemy.”

 

“He didn't use incantations or potions,” Alec said.

 

“This is all ridiculous. I mean, you can do a lot of basic telekinetic stuff with just a snap, if you've practiced a lot. Maybe a minor summoning of something inanimate.”

 

“He didn't snap. He didn't wave his hands around at all. He didn't even look, stuff just… happened. Maybe the rift was doing it?” Clary suggested.

 

“No, the rift can't do anything, it's just a tear. It's not aware or powerful or anything.” She stopped her magic and leaned over Magnus, gently touching his forehead. “Okay, so… I think this might be self-induced? It feels like he's actively doing magic right now, which shouldn't really be possible, because he's unconscious, and I can't detect any spells he's committed himself to. To be perfectly honest… I recommend you contact a warlock closer to his power. I'm not strong,” she said with a small smile and shrug. “I'm clever and careful. I'm weak enough to avoid being a target, but strong enough to defend myself. So I'm old and I've seen some shit, but this is something else entirely.”

 

“Okay. Okay… so who's the same caliber ad Magnus?”

 

“He's … He'd kick my ass for suggesting this, and she will too, because they both really want to keep her as a sort of unknown ace up the sleeve, but… have you met Catarina? I only know her through Magnus, but I know she's known him for a very long time and is an incredible healer. But she doesn't like working with the Clave, or really any other downworlders. She works in mundane hospitals.”

 

“I met her,” Alec said. Everyone looked at him, and he ducked his head a little. “Yeah, she… she came over to the loft once when I was- I was there. She does breakfast with Magnus twice a month.” His face was bright red, but everyone chose to focus on the task at hand.

 

“I don't have her contact information,” Dot said.

 

“I don't either, but I, uh, I know Magnus’s unlock pattern. I'll give her a call, maybe she’ll recognize my voice.”

 

“In the meantime, Dot, I'll get your bill together,” Izzy said, and she and Clary left with Dot as Alec retrieved Magnus’s phone from where it was still in his pocket.

 

“Brunch. Where'd everyone go?” Jace said, coming in with a big paper bag in his arms.

 

“Talking with Dot. I'm calling a friend of Magnus’s, see if she can figure out anything. You got a phone charger?” he asked. Jace nodded to the bed Alec had woken in.

 

“I've been camped out here for the past day and a half. Android?”

 

“Yeah. He's trendy, but he's smart,” Alec snorted. He plugged in Magnus’s phone and let it charge up while he pulled up a table and sat down, unpacking his and Jace’s brunch. Alec reassembled his veggie eggs Benedict and Jace dumped ketchup all over his homefries. 

 

“So… it's just us. Is there anything you can think of with this?” Jace asked. Alec chewed slowly, savoring Martha’s perfect hollandaise and selection of vegetables.  

 

“I don't know. I mean- we broke up. After the thing with the sword and the proposition from the Seelie queen. And he's been nothing but cold and kind of rude ever since.”

 

“He's still in love with you,” Jace said flatly. “So you collapse-”

  
  


“He’s not. Why would you think that? He won't even say my name, he calls me ‘shadowhunter.’”

 

“And that's why. I- sorry, I forget this is kind of your first… sorry,” he said again when Alec glared at him. “Look, love and hate aren't opposites.”

 

“They're not?”

 

“No. Love and hate are pretty much the same thing.”

 

“No, I'm pretty sure they're not.”

 

“They are! They're both really intense passionate feelings toward another person. When you hate someone, you obsess over them, you think about them all the time. Same with love. Both demand a lot of effort and attention, and they can switch really easily. Clary and I, for instance. We always are loving and hating each other. You and Magnus- before you were dating, even, when that thing with Lydia was going on, you hated each other, and that hate became love so easily.”

 

“...oh.” When described that way, it seemed obvious. “So, wait, what is the opposite of love, if it's not hate?”

 

“Apathy,” Jace said darkly. “Like… well, like you and your parents.” That made sense immediately. He couldn't care less what his parents thought. He didn't consider them in any decision he made, never even thought about them. He really had reversed his love for them, and it hadn't turned to hate, it had turned to a complete and utter apathy toward them and their money and honor and lifestyle and opinions. The only time he even paid them attention  was when it was for Max, otherwise, they barely were part of his reality.

 

“But anyways. Magnus isn't apathetic toward yoy. Sure, he's not putting in effort to be kind and caring, but he's still putting in effort- to not call you by name, to be rude and flat with you, to fire off a hell of a lot of verbal low blows. He's still trying. He's still totally focused on you.”

 

“Okay. Say that's true. What does that have to do with waking him up?”

 

“I don't think it's a coincidence he fell right after you did. I think you triggered something.”

 

“You think I triggered this?!” Alec said, looking up from tapping through Magnus’s phone.

 

“I don't know…. Who's this friend of Magnus’s we’re calling?”

 

“Catarina. She's been friends with Magnus for centuries. Maybe she knows what this is,” he said, hitting call.

 

After four rings, the line picked up. “Hey, Maggie, what's going on?”

 

“Uh, Catarina? This is actually Alec- Alexander Lightwood. We met?” He said quickly, hoping she wouldn't hang up.

 

There was a long enough pause that he wondered if she just dropped the phone and ran, and finally she spoke. “Alec. Is everything okay?”

 

“Not really, to be honest. I'm calling because Magnus is in some type of… magical coma? We had another warlock look him over but was completely stumped. I was hoping you could help.”

 

“You two broke up. How do I know this isn't a trap by the Clave? I've worked hard to stay off their radar and be left alone-,”

 

“Yes, we did break up, but we were putting our people first, and… I still love him. What can I do to reassure you this isn't a trap? Whatever it takes to get you to help him, I don't care,” he said, closing his eyes and scratching his jaw. 

 

Another long pause. Then-

 

“You guys are like a trashy soap opera. I love soaps. Here's what we’re gonna do. I'm gonna find someone to trade shifts with, then run home and get some stuff that might help. When I arrive at the Institute, in about 45 minutes, I will not be searched, scanned, fingerprinted, whatever. I won't go anywhere without you, Alec, escorting me. I'm going to let a few friends know where I'm going, so if I'm not back out in 4 hours, they'll raise hell- literally. That sound fine?”

 

“Sure. Will you be bringing Madzie?”

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

“Alright. Your call, but she's welcome any time. I'm trying to build a new level of trust with downworlders and shadowhunters, and I want her to not be raised in fear of us. Will you let her know that we’re doing our best to help Magnus? And tell her hello from me?” He gave Jace a flat glare, ready for him to tease him for being such a domestic, but Jace only smiled.

 

“I'll tell her you said hi.” The line went dead, and Alec stood, wincing a little at his creaking muscles. 

 

“I'm gonna grab a shower and a change of clothes before she gets here. Will you keep an eye on Magnus?” he asked his parabatai.

 

“Sure.”

 

Alec could feel the iratzes doing their work, and moving around helped stretch and reinvigorate his body. By the time he'd cleaned up and gotten to the front door to wait for Catarina, he was feeling much more like himself.

 

When she stepped out of the portal, just out of the range of the wards, Alec marched right up to meet her.

 

“Catarina. Thank you for coming. Can I carry anything for you?” he offered, trying to be as unthreatening and welcoming as possible. He'd even foregone his gear and was wearing the most basic civilian clothes he could find.

 

“No, I've got it, thanks. I'm here for Magnus, that's all,” she said, following him up and into the building. As promised, nobody at the door gave her a glance.

 

“Honestly, so am I.”

 

“So what happened?”

 

Alec filled her in on the situation as they headed for the infirmary.

 

“Honestly, I was already down for most of it,” he said apologetically. Izzy had taken Jace’s seat at Magnus’s bedside, and she stood as they entered. 

 

“You must be Catarina,” she said warmly. “I assume Alec gave you the story?” When the warlock nodded, she stepped forward and brushed her hair off her neck. “Alec didn't see the events himself, but I did. If there's any clue you can glean from my memories, then I would like to share them with you.”

 

Catarina’s brows went up. “You'd open your mind to a strange warlock?”

 

“Yes. Alec is my brother, and he cares deeply for Magnus. And… Magnus fought side by side with us. He's the one who closed the rift. I believe I should do whatever's possible to help a fallen comrade,” she said with certainty.

 

“Iz…” Alec sighed, shaking his head.

 

“It's the right thing to do,” she told him.

 

“Fine.” Catarina put a hand on the back of Isabelle’s neck. “Deep breath in, and-” Both of their heads tilted back as they shared the memory. Alec stepped around them to stand by Magnus, combing his fingers through his somehow still perfectly styled hair. 

 

“Wow. That was… something else,” Catarina mused, stepping back. “He really did that. Wow.”

 

“Did what?” Alec asked. She sat down across from him, and began to weave some midnight blue magic over Magnus’s prone form.

 

“He… hm. It’s hard to explain without revealing things… Look. Magnus keeps some secrets. We all do. They’re just things he’d rather not think about himself, let alone have other people think about as well. And I don’t want to break his trust and tell secrets that aren’t mine. But… essentially… Magnus pulls his punches. Always. He  _ never _ uses his power to it’s full extent. You think he’s powerful? You’ve seen nothing. He has his reasons and they’re very compelling. One of those reasons is because- what do you think the Clave would do with him if they knew that, with his power fully opened up, he could bend reality itself to his will?”

 

Alec’s brows shot up. “What?”

 

“Yeah. He usually operates at 10% power. Maybe 20%, if the situation really calls for it. I’m one of his oldest friends, but I’m nowhere near the same caliber he is. I don’t know anyone who is. Warlocks as powerful as him… well. Like I said, if everyone knew exactly what he could do, it would be bad. He’d get an ultimatum, I’m sure- either work for us or be destroyed. The Clave wouldn’t risk his power going against them, so they would chain him up, take his freedom, his choices, and maintain complete control over him. Or they would destroy him out of fear. To be fair, the downworld could react the same way. So he keeps it to himself.

 

“There are other reasons as well, some I won’t talk about. One, however, is that he is a firm believer in choice and the decisiveness of the players on the field. When the Uprising occured, he didn’t open up his full magical potential. He defended his own, but he didn’t simply smite all his enemies, as he is fully capable of doing. He recognized that this was a fight between the Circle and the Clave, and he had no business making decisions for them. It’s a very important thing to hold on to, being powerful and immortal. It’s easy to just walk through life and make choices for people, picking a side you want to win, making everything go your way. But mundanes and even shadowhunters are not playthings of immortals. We need to take a step back, let people fight for their own fate, let the chips fall where they may.”

 

“But- so many died!” Izzy exclaimed.

 

“Yes. And more than that would have if Magnus had taken control of the situation. And then nobody would have any closure or independence, there would be no debates or considerations to be made. There would only be his word as law. He is not a dictator. He has a role to play, and in that instance, it was not to be the major player on the field. He’s very good at recognizing that- part of why he’s lived so long. I repeat, warlocks as powerful as him don’t usually last long.

 

“The one other reason I’ll list- and I won’t say any more than this- is that using his power to it’s full potential attracts attention from more than just the Clave. Don’t forget that the source of a warlock’s power is demons.”

 

That was something Alec was going to be thinking on long and hard. He was very good at separating Magnus from the demon world, loving him despite his warlock’s mark, never blaming him for his birth, but there were things that might not be good to ignore. He wasn’t sure what Catarina meant, but it made him very concerned.

 

“So what do you think is wrong?”

 

“Okay. Preface done. Now, to continue- Magnus is incredibly powerful. He’s only fully uncapped his power like this three times before. I’ve never seen it myself. I only know that he’s mentioned it being a very frightful thing. He told me that when he’s using his power fully, it’s too easy. Every passing thought and whimsical idea is fulfilled by his magic. You saw how the ground turned to glass? He likely didn’t even consciously do that. Maybe the tar smelled bad, or he thought the black ground to be a dismal color, or just wanted it to be prettier. And the sky darkening- the sun was in his eyes.”

 

“So he used magic to fix it?” Alec asked.

 

“Yes. But not even consciously. Which is why…” she trailed off, letting the magic fall from her fingers. “He saw you collapse. He touched you, felt no pulse. And all it would take would one thought, probably… you two are such saps, I swear… something like ‘I can’t live without him’ or something else about not wanting to go on without you. So his magic fulfilled that.”

 

Alec’s mouth had fallen open slightly. He closed it, and blinked several times. 

 

“And I’m very concerned about this. His magic is still working. The power flow is still fully opened. Right now, he’s… he’s a beacon. For everything he’s fought to avoid. We need to get him awake and powered down. I’m going to try a few things- please step back.”

 

Alec and Izzy retreated a few beds away to let her work. Alec’s mind was racing. So Magnus was an unheard of powerhouse. And he might be attracting the attention of demons. And his coma was self induced, because of him. Izzy seemed to sense his heavy thoughts, and let the silence hang.

 

Several minutes later, Catarina sighed and dropped her hands. “This isn’t working. His magic is still active and is rejecting every effort of mine. It recognizes me as a warlock and… hm. We might be able to get around it with a more natural way. Alec, have you spoke to him? Touched him? Maybe if he knows you’re alive, he’ll come back.”

 

“Yeah. I’ve- yeah.”

 

“So we need to get inside his head. I can’t get you there, not without his magic sensing the intrusion and frying both our minds, but… I might know a way you can. Let me make some calls, contact some people, and I’ll be in touch as soon as I know anything.”

 

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Izzy asked.

 

“No. In fact, getting you involved would probably scare my contacts away. Just keep an eye on him. Don’t move him out of the Institute. The wards are probably all that’s protecting him from the wrath of Ed- of demons,” she said, interrupting herself.

 

“Of- of  _ Edom _ ?” Alec asked. “Why would…?”

 

“That’s a conversation you’d have to have with him. I’ll be in touch,” she said, taking her case and leaving. “I can see myself out.”

 

“Wait! Does he need- we tried to IV him. Is he okay unconscious for this long?” Izzy called after her. Catarina stopped in the doorway and surprised both the shadowhunters with a wide, genuine smile.

 

“I’m sure that went well. No, his magic will sustain him for however long he needs. It’s not malevolent- it’s a part of him that can and will do literally anything to protect him and fulfill his every desire. You have to understand that. And… thank you for taking such good care of him. Not many shadowhunters would be as worried about one fallen half-breed. And please, call me Cat. All my friends do.”

 

And with that, she left.

 

Alec sighed and dropped back into the chair at Magnus’s bedside. She’d left him more confused than before.

 

“Come on. There’s nothing we can do until she gets back to us, and like she said, his magic will keep him safe. Let’s go hit the training room and get you back to fighting form,” Izzy said gently. He nodded, and after another second of staring at Magnus’s still face, followed her out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might not read very smoothly, but it's meant to be jarring and broken up. Please comment with any questions or things that were unclear and I'll do my best to tidy up!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and kudos'ing. I thought I'd post this on Monday, but there was such an overwhelmingly positive response that I just caved.
> 
> You all are amazing. Thank you.

It was another day and a half before Catarina got back to them. She didn’t call- just showed up at the front of the Institute. Alec hurried out to meet her as soon as he heard.

 

“Cat! Did you- who’s this?”

 

She was accompanied by a short, big eyed man dressed casually. He looked young, only a year or two older than Alec, but had the strange feature of salt and pepper hair, the graying belonging to a much older man, half hidden under one of those tweed cabbie hats. He had a good amount of scruff along his chin and under his nose, heavy brows, and bright blue eyes. He was far paler than Alec, and was wiry and scrappy looking.

 

“Alec, this is Jack. He’s promised to help us.”

 

“I’m not helping, I’m working. I expect to get paid for this.” Jack had a reedy voice and a heavy irish accent. He ran a finger over the edge of his hat, a nervous gesture despite his defiant eyes.

 

“We can arrange your bill once your services are done,” Alec promised, extending a hand. Jack shook it, and he led them inside, once again waiving off security.

 

“Now, where’s my sleeping beauty?” Jack asked.

 

“Infirmary. How are you going to help?” Alec asked.

 

“Jack is an alp. A type of seelie who specializes in dreamwalking,” Catarina explained.

 

“More like nightmare-walking, actually. Dreams don’t keep me full long,” the alp said with a laugh. “You’ve never heard of alps? We’re pretty rare these days, I suppose. Modern medicine prevents a lot of potentials for us. Not a natural born seelie, we’re made when a mundane infant is stillborn but demon magic saves us.”

 

“Did you save him?” Alec asked Catarina. She smiled widely.

 

“You’re quick,” she said simply.

 

“Catarina here explained some of this all to me. So we’ve got a warlock under some self imposed coma because he thought his prince charming, you, died. My magic is natural and rare enough that I can probably slip past his defenses, trick his magic into thinking I’m not an invader, and get you in to tell him you’re not dead. Hopefully, that’ll wake him up.”

 

“What are the risks?” Alec asked before he could get too hopeful.

 

“His magic could fry us-”

 

“I’m hoping that by bringing you along, his magic won’t react defensively,” Catarina said quickly. “His magic did all this for you- I’m hoping it won’t kill you anyways and waste all the hard work.”

 

“Hoping. That and a dollar can get you a cup of coffee. Hello, sweet prince,” Jack laughed as they turned into the infirmary. “If my vapor form gets contaminated with glitter, I’m charging you asshats double.”

 

“Whatever. How do we do this?” Alec asked, ready to end the long span of helplessness.

 

“I’m gonna sit on his chest-,”

 

“What? No.”

 

“Yep. It’s how these things are done. Ever hear of pressing? People waking up with a weird pressure on their chest? Alps.” The seelie leaned down and pulled his shoes and socks off. “Won’t hurt him. You gotta sit and put one hand on my tarnkappe and the other on the back of my neck.”

 

“Tarn-?”

 

“My hat. I’m gonna have to pull both of us into vapor and then enter through his mouth and nose. Try not to resist, scream, move, do anything, just let me manipulate you, until we’re in his head.”

 

“Okay. Then what?”

 

“Then I drop you in front of his foremost consciousness and make myself scarce. Don’t wanna piss him off. You talk him into waking up.”

 

“What’s it going to be like?” Alec asked curiously, as Jack climbed up and sat on Magnus’s chest, in lotus pose.

 

“Like being in a dream. The vapor stuff will be weird, but once I put you in the dream, it’ll be just like it always is. I think. You might have more control? I don’t actually dream myself, just parasitize off other’s. But you’ll have a form, probably, and so will he. And…” he looked at Alec, eyes suddenly serious and even a little concerned. “Dreams aren’t like conscious thought. Don’t blame him for what you find in there. They can be very basal and transcendent at the same time. Higher thinking and lizard brain all at once. He might not thank you, after this is over, but… what do I care, right? As long as he wakes up, you’ll pay me still.”

 

“Right,” Alec said, a little uncertain. He dragged a chair closer and put his hands where Jack instructed. “Cat- you’ll make sure this is… okay?”

 

“I’m right here, Alec.”

 

“Ready? Alright, three-two-one-”

 

Alec gasped hard as all the air was sucked out of his body.

 

Or he didn’t gasp.

 

He had no lungs. No esophagus. No mouth. He didn’t gasp, he sucked in air-

 

But all the air was

gone

and so 

was

he.

 

No, the air wasn’t gone because he was the air and he wasn’t gone he was there but not he was

 

drifting

 

A tug. Pulling. He didn’t resist, he let it bend and twist him and he was blind and couldn’t feel, but was aware of the world in a way he never had before-

 

dark

 

organic

 

life

 

Light.

 

_ Good luck. We’ll be ejected when he’s up. I got you this far, don’t fuck it up now, _ a voice of soundless power told him, the same power that had pressed the air out of him and then the him out of him until there was nothing but air after all-

 

He had shape.

 

He was himself again.

 

He looked around. Everything was blurry and distorted, but grew crystal clear and painfully bright in some areas. And in front of him was Magnus, standing stock still, eyes closed, face serene. Alec couldn’t help it- he reached out and touched him-

 

It was not a touch that he expected. He wanted his hand to touch Magnus’s shoulder, forgetting that he didn’t have a hand or a body and neither did Magnus, because they were both inside Magnus’s head.

 

Their minds touched, and Alec’s awareness screamed across the connection. Magnus’s mind had centuries more material than Alec’s did, and they were in his home turf.

 

Alec was taken by the current.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Be stone.

 

Be cold be stone be strong be untouchable don’t let them close don’t let them near

 

_ Love.  _

 

Glitter, martinis, fire, light, dark shadows for single serve lovers, tastes of unity and perfect euphoria chased with tequila chased with lime chased with dancing, chasing a hot, wet body into a dark corner to take and give and

 

_ breathe. eat. drink. fuck. sleep. fuck. eat. drink. breathe. fuck. breathe. eat. fuck. _

 

A dozen dozens behind and another dozen dozens ahead. Seconds and days. Years and centuries. It would never end, he wanted it to end. The dark was powerfully desired and powerfully feared, which was stronger? Did he love it more or fear it more? Yes. Both. Neither. He would die one day. He could take control of that, choose when, die when he wanted, fuck the universe, his end would be his and his alone. He could just seize the chance and seize himself and dive in perfect independence into that lovefeared dark-

  
  


Ibu, ibu, kembali padaku! Beraninya kau pergi. silahkan. Aku cinta kamu. Anda monster egois beraninya kau tinggalkan aku sendiri seperti ini-

 

Nihil. There is nothing.

  
  


Burning and bright and yearning. Please, love me. I just want someone to love me. I don’t want to die alone, I’m so scared to be alone. Please love me. Please don’t just leave me here. Love me. Please. Please!

 

_ Breathe eat fuck breathe drink sleep drink fuck eat breathe drink fuck sleep drink sleep fuck _

 

I will never amount to anything.

 

Void.

 

Fight. Fight for what is loved, fight for the day and the night and everything precious. Fight because nothing else matters. Some cannot fight. Fight for them. So long as a single soul needs it; fight. 

  
  


_ You are no hero. Abomination. _

 

The snap of bone. Crippled, unable to run. Burning pain. Mud and sticks and choking on dust, torn elbows and knees, screaming,  _ ibu tolong aku _ , mercy, please,  _ I am not a monster _

 

Water.

Choking.

Drowning

Dying.

 

Nihil.

 

Fire.  _ Live _ .

 

Fight. Fight for self. Fight for others.

  
  


Fight.

  
  
  


_ ….Alexander? _

 

Everything stopped. Alec was standing in front of Magnus, a hand outstretched and resting on his chest. Magnus’s stance reflected his perfectly, and his hand was burning like a fire on Alec’s collar.

 

“Magnus!” Alec cried, pulling him in for a tight hug, burying his face in his neck.

 

“Yes, my love?” Magnus murmured, and Alec could feel more than hear a small laugh go through him.

 

“I missed you. By the Angel, I’ve been so worried and scared, I never leave your bedside- but I found you!”

 

“You found me? But we’ve been right here,” he said, still a little laugh in his voice. Alec pulled back and cupped his face.

 

“What? No, you’ve been- you are… you’re asleep.”

 

Magnus squinted at him and smiled, a little concerned. “What a strange thing to say. I’m awake. I’m right here. It’s late afternoon, I got up early to go run with you this morning.”

 

Alec’s neck prickled.

 

“Magnus,” he said slowly.

 

“Alexander,” the warlock chirped happily back at him, rolling his eyes.

 

“I’m serious, Magnus. You’re asleep.”

 

“Please stop saying that. I would know if I was asleep. My dreams don’t do you justice, darling. I could never recreate such perfection,” he murmured, running a finger down his neck and over the hollow of his throat. Alec caught his hand.

 

“Mags. You’re asleep. You- we- there was a battle. You closed the rift. Remember?”

 

“Duh. I closed the rift, and then we captured Valentine and the sword and all went home. And then back out to a party, where you took advantage of me in my weakened and inebriated state and told me you couldn’t live without me, and we went home together and consummated our re-established relationship. Several times,” he said brightly.

 

“What? No. Jace died.  _ I _ died. And you… you went into a coma. Or something. Cat thinks you put yourself into a magical sleep because you couldn’t handle my death and your magic was protecting you-,”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Alec was alone. In the dark.

 

There was a moment of light. Something- someone else. They were shouting.

 

_ Shadowhunter. Alec. We fucked up, we fucked up bad, he’s not sleeping, he’s- this isn’t a dream, it’s not a nightmare. He’s aware, he’s doing this, it’s an internalized fabricated reality, I don’t have any control here and I don’t think I can get us out, we really fucked up and I don’t know how- _

  
  
  
  
  


He was gone and Alec was alone.

 

He couldn’t feel anything. Couldn’t see anything. He felt no ground beneath him, didn’t smell air or see light or hear anything. Void.

 

He couldn’t move.

 

Couldn’t speak.

 

Inside his head, he was  _ screaming _ .

 

~~

 

Magnus threaded his fingers through Alec’s, pulling him forward to steal a kiss, then steal a lick of his ice cream. Alec laughed and scoffed playfully, pulling back.

 

“Hey! You’ve got your own!”

 

“I know. But I love grapenut,” he protested.

 

“Then why didn’t you get grapenut?”

 

“Because I also love blueberry. And I thought that my dear darling boyfriend who loves me very much would be willing to share,” he pouted. Alec huffed and kissed him firmly on the mouth.

 

“Mmmm. Blueberry. I’ll trade bites?”

 

“Fine,” Magnus sighed, and held out his ice cream, watching a little hungrily as Alec mouthed off a bit.

  
  
  


They were in his loft, and Alec’s mouth had long since lost the chill of the ice cream, and was hot and wet against Magnus. He keened and bucked his hips a little, murmuring apologies but unable to keep from twitching. Alec hummed his approval, letting Magnus push deep into his mouth and grind into the back of his throat, and Magnus gasped and shook, until he fell apart, seeing velvety dark explosions behind his eyes as he thrust gently into Alec’s mouth, and his boyfriend drank him down and then pulled off him with a wet sound. Magnus slid down his body, sighing, feeling boneless and lazy, until Alec’s hand lightly smacked his ass.

 

“You feeling like…?”

 

“C’mon, Alexander, I want you to say it. We already know how filthy that mouth is,” Magnus murmured, pressing languid open mouthed kisses to his chest. Alec shivered a little.

 

“You feeling like riding me again? Only my dick this time, not my mouth,” he breathed in a rush, and Magnus laughed, delighted he finally said it.

 

“I thought you’d never ask. Think I can even up our scores before we fall asleep?”

 

“Mmmm. I’ve seen you in action, I bet you could,” Alec whispered, pulling him up to kiss him again. He tasted like grapenut, musk, and ash.

 

_ The sky darkened. The sun was bright and in his eyes so the very heavens bowed to his command, darkening the sun at his whim. The ground was smooth glass, the hoards become dust at a glance- _

 

He tasted like grapenut and musk, and Magnus concentrated on playing his body like an instrument. They chased pleasure together and left the rest behind.

  
  
  


“And th- and then! The audacity! Of this! Little prig! He goes, he goes- ‘you’re looking more cabbagey than ever, my darling green pea.’ What a  _ prig _ ! I’ve just vomited up my toenails and he’s making jokes!” Ragnor slurred, his arm heavy over Magnus’s shoulders. Alec roared with laughter, and it was the most perfect sound in the universe, Alexander Lightwood laughing openly and without restraint. Magnus nudged his foot under the bar and gave him a quick smile.

 

“I like your friends,” Alec said happily.

 

“You wait till Ragnor hits double green, then you’ll want him gone, trust me,” Cat snorted, ordering another round of beers.

 

“You keep buying him booze, though,” Alec pointed out.

 

“Double green Ragnor is still better than sober Ragnor. And I’m not buying him anything- it’s Magnus’s card our tab is on,” she said happily.

 

“Well, in that case, tequila shots all around,” Magnus cried, laughing and swaying with Ragnor. “And then- karaoke! Alec, do you know any Queen songs?

  
  
  
  


Jem and Tessa and Will were all asleep on the couch, leaned up against each other like unused puppets. Magnus smiled and closed the door gently, after snapping his fingers to turn off the TV. Nothing would hurt him here. They were under his care and could be themselves. A perfect triangle, bound by souls and love of embers and wildfires. They would get their happy together ever after. His heart felt warm and full.

  
  
  


_ One parabatai gashed open from hip to collar, the other not bleeding but wounded just as badly. They were tumbling dominos, one after another, winking out in an instant that nobody could control or stop or fix and just like that everything good and wholesome and worth loving in the world was gone, gone, gone, gone gone gone gone _

  
  
  


“Wake up, Magnus,” Alec said, lips almost touching his ear. Magnus flinched upright, and almost knocked the coffee out of Alec’s hand.

 

“Whoa, yikes! Sorry! You okay?” Alec asked worriedly, putting the mugs on the bedside table.

 

“I… yeah. I just had a… a strange dream.”

 

“There are no dreams. There is us,” Alec murmured, kissing down his neck and pulling him into his lap, brushing his hair back. 

 

“What?”   
  


“We’re living the dream,” Alec laughed. “I’m Head of the New York Institute. The Clave learned to mind their own business. You’re High Warlock of Brooklyn. And we have this beautiful loft, and I get to wake up beside your beautiful face-,”

 

Magnus studied his face. “Are you real?”

 

Alec looked shocked. “What? Mags, are you okay?”

 

“I… I want the real Alec.” He was suddenly very scared. A chill ran down his back and his skin prickled. A sense of doom hung over him. Something bad was going to happen. Or was happening. Or had happened. Something… something terrible... “We were fighting. I was closing the rift. I… I had my magic fully out. I was…”

 

“Saving the day,” Alec finished for him, cupping his jaw comfortingly. “My hero.”

 

Magnus felt a blade over his neck.

 

“I want the real-,”

 

Alec gasped on the floor in front of him, and Magnus flinched back, this time succeeding in spilling the coffee. Thunder rumbled outside the loft.

 

“Mag- Magnus,” Alec gasped, wheezing and staggering to his feet. Alec on the bed beside him jumped up.

 

“I want the  **real** Alexander,” Magnus said again, almost a snarl, and then the Alec on the floor was the only other one in the room. Magnus was freezing cold and terrified in a confused and childlike way he hadn’t felt in centuries.

 

The room began to tremble.

 

“Magnus. You’ve got to wake up. Your magic is still open, this is all a dream. I’m real, I’m  _ alive _ , please come back with me,” Alec panted, dropping to his knees beside the bed and taking Magnus’s hands. He snatched them back in terror.

 

“I- no. I don’t- Are you real?”

 

“Magnus. Your magic will do what you want. You’ve got to stop- this isn’t real. Do you want the dream? It’s nice, it’s amazing, it’s everything you’ve ever… you can have it. Just tell me and I’ll leave you here and go back. But this isn’t real.”

 

“What- of course I want reality!”

 

Alec looked down at his hands. “Your magic does whatever you want. So why are we still here?”

 

Magnus stared at him. “I don’t know.”

 

“You do. Tell me.”

 

Magnus pressed his knuckles against his eyes. He was crying, sobbing and shaking and curled up as small as he could make himself.

 

“I want to be happy, okay? Is that what you want me to say? I know I’m- I always do the right thing, I always take care of you and everyone, I give myself up for people, I put my life on the line, but now I am  _ tired _ and I just want to be happy! Is that so wrong?!” he cried, kicking out and knocking over the bedside table. It burst into flames.

 

“Mags. Magnus. You  _ can _ be happy.”

 

“ _ You can’t say that! You’re dead!” _

 

“I’m not! Magnus, I’m right here, you asked for the real Alexander and it’s me. I’m real, I’m fine- it’s all angel blood and rune magic and confusing, but Jace got revived and so did I. Everything is okay.” They were both shouting over the storm now, the high crash of lightning and low tremors of thunder filling the air.

 

“No. No. No, no no, I can’t- I won’t- I don’t want any of this, fix it, make it fixed- I want to go back, I want to be  _ happy _ ,” Magnus could barely speak, he just shook his head violently, tears and snot flying. He curled in on himself, backing away further from Alec.

 

A hand touched his neck. Laid along it and a thumb caressed his jaw. “Magnus. I’m real. I love you. I can’t live…. No. I- no. Actually, I get it. This is- it's better. Here I can be the whole person you want me to be,” he said with a wry smile. “Out there, in reality, I'm a fucking mess, I'm… it's okay to stay here.”

 

His lips brushed over Magnus’s, just once. Giving a kiss, asking for nothing, no promises or bargains or desires. Just a kiss.

 

“I know that our reality sucks. I’m sorry. It’s- I should’ve done better, I should be better, but I’m just… I can’t. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it work for us,” he said.

 

“I’m sorry I let you down,” he said.

 

“I get it. It’s better this way. Let your magic erase me, go back to the me of your dreams. I don’t blame you and I still love you and I want you to be happy.”

 

“You can stay here if you need. You deserve to be happy.”

 

Magnus closed his eyes.

 

The storm broke and he was angry, but clear. This was how it would be done. He felt a rush of frustration and certainty and determination.

 

“You deserve to be happy too,” Magnus said. He was the true Prince of Edom and the Seven Hells, Son of Asmodeus Son of Shamdon, Wrathful Bastard of Batavia, The Marked of Eyes, World-Rifter and Brat of Lust, he was High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane. He spoke with the authority belonging to that.

 

His magic obeyed.

~~

 

Something slammed into his back. No, he slammed into something. With his back. He opened his eyes.

 

He was sitting on the floor opposite of Magnus’s bed, head aching, gasping for air. On the floor a little ways away was Jack, groaning and getting to his feet. He scrambled upright and forward, nearly smashing his face on the post at the foot of the bed in his rush.

 

Despite his promises and assurances, his self doubt and failings, he wanted him back. So he was greedy as well as pathetic.

 

_ Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up _ .

 

Magnus’s eyes opened.

 

Alec let out a wordless shout of joy and relief, throwing his arms over Magnus and squeezing him tight.  _ This is real. I’m hugging him. He’s hugging me back. I’m awake and he’s awake and this is real _ .

 

“Alexander. You saved me,” Magnus murmured. Alec could feel pinpricks all over his skin, a bit like his limbs had fallen asleep, and the air tasted of electricity and blood. He pulled back a little.

 

“Magnus. You’ve got to- your magic,” he reminded him. Magnus furrowed his brow and nodded, then closed his eyes again. He took a deep breath in, and the room suddenly felt pressurized. Alec’s ears popped and he cringed, struggling to draw breath-

 

And then the room was normal. Magnus sagged into his arms, groaning softly. Alec held him tight.

 

“Why did you come back?” Alec whispered into his shoulder. “You were supposed to- you can have your peace and your perfect world. You had it all. You could’ve stayed there…”

 

“Don't you dare think you don't deserve to be happy,” Magnus said quickly, harshly. His tone was scolding and full of authority. “You deserve to be happy.” He left no room for argument, and Alec didn't want to argue. He wanted to kiss him.

 

“I need you, Magnus. I can't live without you.”

 

Magnus’s fingers pressed harder into Alec. “And I can't live without you either.”

 

“Apparently,” Alec laughed, and then they were both laughing, and maybe crying a little, because they hurt and loved and longed to be happy. And they could do that too. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-wrote the ending about five times before I found a scenario that was satisfying and felt like it closed the loop well. Though... it's not unlikely that I'll continue this in some form or other. There are threads I left hanging that I can come back to. I don't have any clear direction on where I would end those bits, though, so I'm not making any promises. I'm an absolute harpy for writing stuff I don't know how to finish and I need to be sure I've got a solid plan before I start things.
> 
> Thank you again for reading and showing support for this- you've no idea how much it bolsters me to read comments and see kudos's. I'm probably going to reply to some comments this afternoon, and I'll be in for a long car ride this evening, so if anyone has any plot bunnies they don't want to write themselves, any prompts or setups, let me know, and maybe I'll write it!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a twoshot. I planned on doing it all at once, but I've written 26 pages on google docs and still have a bit to go, so I'm going to post most of what I've got and probably do the other half later this week, or early next week.
> 
> And admittedly, I wrote the first half of this with food poisoning and typing on a phone. So there you go. Apologies for any typos or grammatical errors. 
> 
> If you like this, check out my other works! Or come say hi on tumblr, where my pseud is thefauxfox and I talk about running a lot!


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